Tabatha Deans

The Pigeons are back…

THE PIGEONS ARE BACK…WITH A VENGEANCE
With the weather cooling and no need for the air conditioner, I, and apparently my neighbors, have taken a chance and once again opened our windows. I am lucky enough to have screens for mine, which were a hand-made gift from the Good Doctor, in an effort to protect me from a violent pigeon attack as I sleep. My neighbor, the Dominatrix, however, is not so lucky.
She knocked on my door last night, and I opened it to find the poor girl in tears, with a look of sheer panic on her face. I assumed something horrible had happened, and tried not to panic as she tried to overcome her sobs and tell me what was wrong. She finally communicated that a pigeon had come in through her window and trapped in the bathroom, perched on her shower rod, threatening her with his menacing stare.
Her panic and tears immediately triggered my “mommy” instinct, and I grabbed a bath towel and headed next door, assuring her it was no big deal for me to catch an evil pigeon lurking in her bathroom. My plan was to simply throw the big towel over it, scoop it up and throw it out the window, much like catching a lady bug and setting it free.
I realized the flaw in my plan when I peeked inside the bathroom. The offending creature was much, much bigger than a lady bug, and he was definitely threatening me with his beady little eyes. Plus, his beak looked razor sharp, and suddenly I had visions of him pecking my eyes out. One tap from that evil beak, and my eyes would be oozing all over the Dominatrix’s bathroom floor. He cocked his head and flinched his wings as if to fly at me, and I slammed the door and re-thought my attack plan.
Maximum coverage of my body parts was definitely the best plan, so I returned to my apartment, where I donned my jacket, winter gloves, pulled my hood up, and put on my big sunglasses. I looked like the una-bomber, and really couldn’t see through the dark glasses, but it was a small bathroom so I was confident I could get the job done. I returned with renewed confidence, and realized I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to use one of my favorite movie lines from Young Frankenstein.
“No matter what I say, no matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream, do not open this door,” I told the Dom, expecting a laugh. Instead I got a blank stare. She’s obviously younger than I thought.
I entered the bathroom slowly, but the bird had moved out of my line of sight. I slowly pulled the shower curtain back, and came face to face with the evil avian intruder. He stared directly at me, daring me, and I took a deep breath and went for it.
What happened next I don’t exactly recall, it went pretty quickly and I remember it entailed feathers flying, hopping, cursing (mostly me), toiletries being knocked over and the eventual capturing of his tail feathers. He continued to fly as I held his tail, like a miniature kite in flight in the bathroom. I finally muscled him into the sink, where I grabbed him with my gloved hand and held him against my body. I could feel his heart racing and realized he was more scared than I was, so I took a moment to sooth him before giving him a stern lecture about violating the space of others.
I emerged from the bathroom feeling we had a mutual respect for each other, and instructed the Dom to open the window in the hallway all the way. I bid my advesary farewell and threw him out the window, hoping I hadn’t injured him and he wouldn’t plummet to his death. He was fine and flew over the top of the Avenue Grille next door, circling under the street light so we could see his path of flight.
Then the evil thing flew right back towards us, and landed on the edge of the building, a mere 20 feet across from the open window. It was dark, but I could feel his beady black eyes trained on me, and I could feel his thoughts, saying, “Sleep with your windows closed and one eye open lady…”

September 30, 2012 - Posted by Tabatha Stewart | Uncategorized | birds, denver, dominatrix, hilarious, pigeon, sex